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Earlier this year, I sent an email off to Helen inquiring about a special woman from her web site, since I was going to be in Kharkov. When I finally met Zhenya during my trip to Kharkov, I was in shock - everything about her surpassed my highest expectations. I knew I'd be back to see her again.

In making plans for my return trip, Zhenya came up with the idea of going to Crimea for a few days to wander around and get to know each other better. My email response was "Sure! That's a great idea!" My mental response was more like "Huh? What's Crimea?" You see, if you're like me (American, born after 1960, paid absolutely no attention in history classes in high school), you know exactly two things about Crimea, and ONLY these two:

 Something about a war being fought there a long time ago
 Something about Roosevelt meeting Stalin or somebody in Yalta and signing some boring piece of paper that had something to do with World War II

Score another academic victory for America's high school system! Fortunately, Zhenya had the foresight to send me some pictures from her last trip to Crimea with her sister, and they showed her posed in front of waves of clear blue water rushing over beaches of sand and stone. So I figured, great, Crimea = beach!

What a dumb American. There was a LOT more than the beach to Crimea.

We met up with Andrej and Helen from "All Beautiful" and jumped in their mini-bus after a long, relaxing dinner in Gorky Park in Kharkov. At this point, Andrej is the key element to the trip, because he possesses an incredible skill that NO American man can ever hope to duplicate - he knows how to drive on Ukrainian roads. Having two days earlier taken a cab ride from Dnepropetrovsk to Kharkov (about 130 miles) which could by itself have served as a sequel to "2 Fast 2 Furious" or "Death Race 2000", I learned two things about driving in this country - the roads have potholes in them big enough for a family of four to live in (complete with furniture), and the only laws enforced on the road are the laws of physics. But Andrej dodged the pot-craters and the insane drivers sharing the road that night, and got us there in one piece.

As soon as the bus stopped at our destination, Alushta, the only thing anyone could say or think about was "ZAFTRAK!" (breakfast).

So we settled in for a major feast at a seaside restaurant. One of the things that I found interesting about Ukraine is that they don't define breakfast food as narrowly as we in the U.S. do. In the U.S., you picture breakfast as cereal, waffles, pancakes, fruit, eggs, and the like (or, if you're a truly pathetic guy like me, Pop-Tarts), and that's about it. Here it can be anything - including grilled fish kebobs, which is what I had. At first it seemed weird to be having grilled fish for breakfast, but I got over it in a hurry. Since Alushta is right on the Black Sea, the fish was just-caught fresh, so it tasted great.

The next step was to select a hotel. We stayed at the Crimski Zori, a very nice resort-type hotel. Definitely spring for the ocean view rooms if you stay there, because the views are amazing. You step out on the balcony, and in your line of sight are the sea, the beach, mountains, forests, carousels, and the shops that wind their way down to the ocean. Definitely the right backdrop for taking photographs of the beautiful woman you've come to see!

After a quick (well, not so quick) nap, we got together again to walk around the shops and grab dinner. Dinner was, well, interesting. It was kind of like "The San Diego Zoo Cook-Off". I had frogs legs (yes, I can verify that indeed, they DO taste like chicken), and at one point, I was given a piece of what apparently was: kangaroo? (Which, by the way, did not taste like chicken.) There were other animals involved as well, but I don't quite remember what they were.

Then we went bowling, where the entertainment was apparently provided by, well, me. Let's just say that we Americans show slightly more emotion in reaction to the ball's impact on the pins than your typical Ukrainian. (Also, the time-tested method of shooting down the last pin with your thumb and forefinger hasn't quite migrated that far east yet.) After a couple of frames and a beer, we headed back for the night.

The next day was like something out of the TV show "The Amazing Race". We start at the seaside hotel: get in the minibus, and, after only a short drive, we're up in the forest looking at a waterfall: then it's back in the bus to a scenic spot where you can see all of Yalta lying out below and in front of you: then back in the bus to drive to Al Pietre, where you take a gondola up to the top of a mountain and back down: then back in the bus to drive to the Swallow's Nest, an ornate castle that sits on a high ledge overlooking the Black Sea:

then hop on to a boat for a romantic boat ride (a commuter boat, but nonetheless romantic with proper imagination applied) to Yalta, where Zhenya and I looked out at a dramatic dark sea and pitch-black sky with only Mars visible to the naked eye (Is this a good sign or a bad sign? Isn't Mars the Greek God of war? Should I be worried?), and finally onto the busy, neon-lit streets of the Yalta waterfront. It's kind of amazing to look back and think that we worked our way through all those places in the same day - it was like making a day trip that included Cape Cod, Oregon, Vermont, the Lewes-Cape May Ferry, and New Orleans, without all the pesky mileage in between stops.

I should describe Al Pietre in a little more detail, because we actually spent several hours at a park up on the mountain between gondola trips. You get off the gondola and walk into the most in-your-face combination barbeque/wine shop/dessert shop/flea market you can imagine. As you walk down the pathway, you've got people handing you food and drinks and shouting to you (in Russian, so I have no idea what they were saying): it's pretty hard to describe, but pretty hilarious.


After we successfully ate our way through the gauntlet, Zhenya gave me the international sign for "let's go see the camels" - making two humps with her hands. (Zhenya speaks very little English, and I speak even less Russian, but I tell you, in addition to all of the other terrific qualities this woman has, she has this amazing ability to communicate with gestures and body language and a few words here and there: by the end of the trip, she was actually translating Russian conversations to me via this English-Russian-pantomime combination!) So I thought "cool, I haven't seen camels since I was a kid". Then Zhenya walked over to the handler and got up on a camel. So I thought "cool, this will make for some neat pictures". Then she pointed to me: and then pointed to a camel. So I thought "cool: WHAT?" I mean, this thing was like an aircraft carrier with hooves. But, OK, I'm a sucker for big blue eyes (Zhenya's, not the camel's), so she actually got me - ME, Mr. Suburban Dweeb - to go on a camel ride. It took about five minutes for me to let go of my death grip on the camel's front hump, but after a while, it was pretty cool (though a note to guys - the short distance between the humps and the hardness of the camel's back makes the ride a little less well-suited for males than females, if you catch my drift, so be prepared).

After that wild Friday, we were ready for a relaxing Saturday, so we finally hit the beach. (Remember the beach?) It was relaxation at its best: just lying next to Zhenya, holding her hand, soaking in the sun, and listening to the waves (and the shouts of the occasional guy selling scary dried fish). Man, I could have stayed there forever - it was perfect. But there was one more place to visit, so Zhenya informed me it was time to leave the beach, which immediately brought out the inner three-year-old in me and cries of "ya nee hachu" (I don't want to)! But, you know, she's got those big blue eyes, so off we went to the horticultural park. It was a nice, quiet place, with lots of colorful plants that provided great backdrops for pictures which would have been great if a certain bonehead hadn't forgotten to bring spare batteries for the flash on his camera. But the walk through the quiet, tranquil park as night fell was the perfect way to end the excursion.


And, believe it or not, this trip only covered a tiny part of Crimea! There are lots of other places to see - Simferopol, Sevastopol, Evpatoria, Kerch: If you're invited to spend time with someone in Crimea, forget your high school history lessons (wait - you already did - never mind) and GO!

John Juliano
Washington, USA